Reflection 1/15/2018

I know my worth. I've paid dearly for every ounce of it.... (Alfa from Pinterest)

On January 1st I started a new life style change in the way I look at food and how I eat. I started the Whole30. It is simply a detox diet, that you rid yourself of things that might be causing internal inflammation, such as sugars, gluten, dairy and alcohol. I embarked on this journey without fear. Now 15 days into it, I still feel at ease with this dietary change. Having to think, to plan, to read, and to make choices, is something I've needed to do in a lot of areas. This is easy for me to do with my food intake, unlike my personal life. Which I have none actually. I am alone, without any heart to call mine, or fall into. I am 54 and single, and female, not a good place to be. For being over 50 doesn't look good for me in the romance department. There are too many younger, better looking, and more available females out there for any single male 40-58. Dating apps are a bust, they are full of hook up players, and I can't play that game anymore. As much as I would like to be that cold hearted player, I can't. By playing that game, I have hurt many, just as I have been hurt. For the pain I have caused others, I am truly sorry for, and well I pray I don't do it again. No one likes to be just forgotten and ignored, and I am guilty of that. It took it happening to me, for me to see, how much pain I have caused some, not all, but one hurt, is one to many. So I have done some thinking on what I long for, and I realize, it may not be out there for me, cold hard truth, it stings a bit. If I hear one more time, it's in God's time, not mine, I will scream. Yes, I get it, I understand, I really do. For I feel God thinks I need to be alone, that my life was meant for not knowing true love, passion, desire, fulfillment, or even happiness with someone. I am trying to come to terms with this. I am not feeling sorry for myself, for that would take to much energy, which I don't have. I have so much more that needs to be done, that I can't take the time to cry for myself. For my loss, well actually, I did that when Bob died. I cried for the loss of a living being, as painful as our 27 years together was, there were good moments too. They may have been few and far between, but they balanced out the wrong doings by both parts. I miss him for the communication that I had every day, for at the end that's all we had as a connection. We lost physical connection years before he died, but emotionally we cared. Even if it was for selfish reasons, self preservation. After all isn't most relationships built on selfishness on some part. We all want to be selfless, but in all actuality we want to make ourselves feel better, we want to be wanted, desired, needed, and if giving of ourselves to others brings us that, then we will do that, if only to make ourselves satisfied. Ulterior motives, but a win/win, when with the right person, we meet our own needs, and meeting theirs. Relationships are built on give and take, sharing. Again, when with the right person.What happens for me, is I give, and get nothing back. I chase the elusive unicorn, trying to catch the shadow. I bend myself emotionally to try and be what they need, however physically I am not most men's want and need. For some yes, I am perfect jerk off material, but not someone you take home to meet mom and the kids. I know that I am so much more, that I have substance, and worth, just haven't met the one I am attracted too, that feels that way about me. I have met some that are good men, but there is no physical connection for me, and yes, I know that there should be more than that. However, until I am no longer physically capable of being desirable or visa versa, I will not accept less than that. There in lies the rub, because I refuse to settle, I am alone. Back to thinking on my existence without a mate, I can't plan on doing things with  him, since I don't have anyone to focus on. I can't read a book on how to obtain one, even though I am sure there are plenty written words out there that all say something different. Lastly, without opportunity to make choices toward my future mate, I don't see this happening. So as you can see, from what I've written, my diet changes are much simpler than my personal life. Give and take again. I can give myself room to change physically to be healthy to be here longer, even if knowing I'll be alone. I can handle that, and maybe eventually accept it for what it is. I just know that I am blessed to be able to still walk this earth. Knowing that walking alone, is still better than not being in it, and well I'll take whatever God gives me for time and space to live on. So here I sit this morning reflecting, and knowing With reflection comes change and growth, so the Whole30 is a starting point for my diet change, but maybe in long run, it will bring personal change through being more and feeling good, after all I am worth it.

coming full circle...

This year has been a turbulent year, many not so good changes. I lost the recent battle with the gym and weight and I am back at the starting point again. I wrecked my truck, and had to get a new one, which I truly can't afford. I am in the negative financially more now than ever. I haven't found the one again, many frogs, but no prince. Lastly, I lost my dad. This man that had me fearing for my life at times, hating myself, and hating him for the majority of my life. However in the end, I miss him, my daddy. Miss the good parts of him, and I am saddened that his physical self is gone. I am so looking forward to this next year, another one to try again, to hope, to give, to learn from and to I pray finally just live in. I hope that within this year, I make it to my goal shape, in body and mind. That I choose happier, healthier moments to cling to. I hope to find a way to save money instead of living paycheck to middle of the month and no new paycheck. I pray that I find the one I pray for, the one with sparkling blue eyes, with depth in their body, mind and soul. I want to get lost in their very presence, and truly smile and love. I want to remember my dad, not the bad things I lived through, but the good things he gave to other's, to my kids, and ultimately to me. This year I want to move forward, let the past go. I need to learn new ways and let go of the old ways that have shown nothing but loss. I want to truly turn the pages and move on. I have been wasting my time on dating apps over this last year, and I mean really wasting my time. Giving myself over to a moment of pleasure just to try and feel, but gaining nothing. I was getting tired of all the games, and have become even more weary of playing them myself, when a man with ice blue eyes said hi. I thought he was a bot at first, because he was in the oil and gas industry and from Louisiana, working in Texas. I was polite and said hello back, but didn't pursue this man. I was busy fishing for what I thought was a real man, mostly real losers, but not a bot. He kept coming back, "Hello pretty one". Thought this surely was a line, and in fact probably was. I was short with my responses. Didn't think to much of this "Calvin" person. My dad died, and well I got a message on the day we were burying my dad from this man. I replied that I was burying my dad and that I was dealing with that. He was so polite and understanding. I let it go, he had left his number a couple of times and I ignored it. He kept asking when we could talk, he thought I was a woman of substance, more than pretty eyes. Then one morning I woke up and gave him my number, just did, it was a push from somewhere. We had in depth texts, more than the usual hey sexy, more than send me a pic of your girls, oh by the way here's a dick pic just for you. He did none of those, for his texts were about life, knowledge, and he made me smile. In early December it snowed here, he was out in it, working on a well site. I was genuinely concerned for this mans safety, his comfort, and I had not even met him. I began to look forward to just the simple "Good morning pretty one", sometimes days would go by and well I would wish for a text, but gave it no mind, for after all maybe he was not a real man, just a romance scam artist. I was cautious at best. Then he texted that he was home in Louisiana, and that he wanted me to know that he was still interested. We started marathon texting, I just felt right with him and responding. He shared pictures of his grand kids, he sent pics of him in the dentist chair, he shared his life. He had me secretly praying to God, to let him be real, that if he was, I would give up the chase of the not so great, and the ones that made me feel less than a woman of substance. Then I asked him to call me, this was a test, a not so real person would not call, but he did, when I answered his call I could hear his gentle voice, heavy with uncertain shyness, my heart quickened. We talked for 3 hours, we talked the next morning for another 3 hours, sharing just our thoughts for the moment. Talking every day, texting, getting to know each other bit by bit. I shared my dark story, he listened, I listened to him. Genuinely listening, and beginning to care. He shared his hopes for a future with someone someday, that would hinge on adoration, friendship, love, someone that would keep him interested before, during and after sex. He wanted a woman with big beautiful eyes, a good smile, and a booty, those where his physical needs, but a woman with substance was something he so desired. Someone that would listen, understand, and keep up her side of the conversation. I shared with him that I was looking for a best friend, an honest man, a man that worked hard, that was loyal and that would never hurt me.  Christmas holidays came, he was alone in Alice, Texas, sick with a head cold, and was told he couldn't go anywhere, had to be available to work if needed. So I decided to go see him on Christmas night. I took him food, and just wanted to meet and share time with this man. It was a time of talking, and sharing, he didn't eat. He was eager to show me how to handle a gun, wanted to see the fit, because I had mentioned that I wanted to learn how to shoot a gun. He talked about when he comes to San Antonio, that we would go shooting. He talked of when "we" often that evening. We shared a bottle of wine, we shared each other, and we kept talking after, he slept with a smile. I watched him for a while before I fell asleep. I would wake several times during the night to listen to him breathe, and when he'd cough I'd ask if he was ok. I felt adoration for this man, that I knew in my mind that when the morning came, I would leave, and with probability never see him again. He woke up in the morning, around 5:30, turned on TV, was watching the news with me laying next to him, holding my hand. We talked about the news, we just talked. He asked me how do you take your coffee, and brought me coffee in bed. We laid there for two hours talking about my work, his work. He said that I was stuck with him, and that he was glad I liked him, and genuinely smiled when I spoke of work. He had bought a throw blanket the night before and slept with it, he gave it to me, and when he realized that it did not smell truly like him, he sprayed his cologne on it. I had slept in his tshirt which smelled of oil field and slightly like me, I dabbed my perfume on it for him. Just a small dot. My heart felt like it was going to break as I walked out to my truck with him, hugging him like I just didn't want to let him go, but I had too. I made it home, and now here I sit, knowing that my Christmas moment was just that, a moment. Not a life changing all will be right in the world moment, but a small one to cherish. The ones you pick up and hold close, and inhale for all it's worth. I still thank God for the realness of it, and of him. I will miss him, miss the hope that he was the one, but know what it was, and as always is. I was played, out played, and it was my heart that knew it before my mind allowed. So I will dust  myself off and remember what I was thinking when I started this writing, coming full circle, I was hoping for change, and today I know it has to be now or never. To turn the page, and hope that this new year, well is a better one and that I stay focused and put my heart back inside that box and this time double lock and lose the damn key, and begin my healing of me......

School year has begun.....

Today is the first day of school, I just dropped my baby off to start his 7th grade year. AC/DC ablaze on his shirt, my son back in black to face this new year with more confidence than last year. He's growing up so fast, and before you know it he'll be a man. I pray everyday that I will do right by him. It's not easy being a mom alone, I never asked for this, but knew it would happen. I am not a dad, I don't know how to be a dad, nor do I know what a good dad is. To be a good parent you have to be both kind and firm. You should never be cruel, I know this, and yet I have been at times. Cruel in things I've said without thought to my kids, my daughter the most if truth be told. Why, because it will make her stronger, that's just mental bull shit I told myself to not deal with my actions. I own that, and I acknowledge that I am far from a perfect parent, nor do I want to be. Never want to be perfect, just fair. Hard to undo a lifetime of bad parenting. Yet, I forgive myself my faults. For I see this wonderful little boy thriving. There are days he is the only light that shines in my day. So much lays ahead of him, should he choose. There is the biggest thing I can do for him, is allow for him to choose, to make mistakes, but be there for him to help when he needs it, and to stand back and watch and love him. How do I guide him, to keep him from making the same mistakes that I did, I don't fear he'll make his father's mistakes. He's to good, to kind, and well his soul is far from damaged to be lost to his demons. The mistakes I made were in not preparing for the future. I live in here and now, without any savings, Bob took care of that when he wiped everything out over and over again. How will I get him through school, through college, through his first heart break. I can't even teach him simple things, like tying his shoes, riding a bike, how can I teach him to soar... Oh my self doubts eek through sometimes. I should try and look at what I have given him, and feel secure enough in knowing I do the best I can. I have given him life, love and security. He is surrounded by a brother and sister that adore him. He really truly lacks for nothing that doesn't sustain him. The only thing I can't provide for him is his father, or even step one. He's asked me many times, and I always hug him, and tell him, it's not that easy. As with everything, it's in Gods time, not mine. I hurt for him when he cries for his loss, when he allows the darkness of that pain to cloud his otherwise bright self. It hurts me, but I have to let him deal with it, work through it, and he always does. Just like the day I told him, that his dad had died, he cried, heart breaking to see and hear. His little body racked with immediate grief and loss, all I could do was hold him, let it happen, and then just when I thought he could cry no more, or I to bear it, he fell asleep, deeply asleep in my arms. Two hours, I pray that in that time, Bob reached out to him. I will never no, it's a nice fantasy, and beautiful thought, only God knows. My biggest wish and hope for him is to be great, at being just himself, and accepting of his ups and downs and learning to surf the waves of life.

My daughter has begun another semester towards becoming that teacher she yearns to be. She gets to shadow along side a middle school history teacher, and I pray she enjoys every minute. For the choice of careers should be part joy and that she gets fulfillment as well. She has become a remarkable young woman. I had some part in it, but mainly it's just who she is. She is quick to remind me of how much I place on her when it comes to her brother. I lean to much on her I know, it's not right to do this, and I will try to do better. She's a strong young woman, with a huge future ahead of her, no glass ceilings, no person to hold her down, besides herself. She's slowly shedding all the baggage she's carried, by just letting time heal her. She thinks all her own, doesn't have a problem speaking her mind, which I did at her age. She has not had to look for rescue or a way out, she is making one on her own. Someday when it's right, she find someone to "share" her life, not be her life, and that is the way it should be. She will come into her own on her own, and I am just so proud of who she is. I hear my mom in the back of my mind, whispering, if she's just "whatever" she'd be thinner, happier, healthier, blah, blah, blah, same shit she said about me....but I don't want to be that to my daughter, she knows, I don't need to tell her, she see's my struggle and well, again when it's right for her she will shed this old skin and become reborn as the person she wants to be, not the person anyone else thinks she should be. My daughter, I love her deeply and I am so proud of her, and well I couldn't be me without her. Bob's little girl, is more me then him, and well that's a good thing. I am grateful that she doesn't drink, smoke, or do any form of drugs. Her addictions are simple and she knows what they are, and I'll leave it at that. Her demons are relatively quiet, not soul taking like her fathers, or nagging like mine, so I am grateful that she can walk without fear. I pray that Bob is looking down at her and that he is smiling and knows that she will carry on the better parts of us...

Today is a new year of learning, changes for the future, and so it begins.

Waiting game.....

I have never been able to just wait patiently. My mind has always raced to the what ifs. What if, disaster is coming? What if, it doesn't happen? What if, this time I'm done for? All good things come with bad things attached in my mind. All truths have lies around the edges. My trust factor is nil. So to wait for something good, is the hardest thing I have to do. Toes tapping, fingers too. I sit and wait for a person, a feeling, a soul filling need, to come into my life. I wait for the other shoe to drop as well. Where is my faith? I lost it years ago. In my mind, it's not going to happen in my life time. I know that I will not find completeness or happiness that fills my heart from another. I know that the only way I will find that feeling of completeness is through myself, only through me finding myself. How do I do that? I don't know, I struggle with that everyday. I wait....

My favorite friend, who I had not heard from in a long time, texted me out of the blue. My heart beat just a bit faster, my mind said be cautious, rightfully so. For I love this favorite friend more than I should be allowed. I have been hurt, lied to, manipulated for his gains, but my wants. Our last conversation months ago, I lashed out in drunken anger and jealousy. Truth stings, but when you're fueled by whiskey or wine you don't feel it as much. And truth is you don't care. He may of only deserved a quarter of my comments, but I let loose, and lost him.. Truth be known, he was never mine to lose. Anyway he texted, I responded, and boy how I had missed him came back with painful vengeance. I write to clear my mind, I write to clear my soul, and I write to heal. I wrote some things that were not true but spiteful, bitterly mean even. Do I regret writing, no, because I needed it, to be able to move along my journey. What should of been a new start, was really a stall. For I let him read what I had written, maybe is was my mind wanting him to know how I had felt, how he had made me feel. My heart should of known better. Open mouth insert foot, yep, would of been better. My pain became his truth and again a bitter pill to swallow. He is, in his soul, a very good man, with really a lot to offer this world, if he could get past his pain, his demons, and I would love to help him meet his potential, but I just took myself out of his life equation by being me. Spiteful, bitter, mean, angry, and drowning in my own pain. To many strikes thrown, to many I am sorry's, to much time waiting. However I simply said goodbye, but maybe someday he will forgive me my anger and pride and at least put out the hand for friendship, nothing more, but the giver of that old familiar smile, so I wait....

Work has been a bitch, heavy with everyone else's needs demanding my attention. I have let my needs go to the way side. Not been eating right, not been to the gym and drinking way to much again on the weekend. Oh not as much as I used to, but still more than I should. I dread Monday, I already know what's waiting. I keep thinking any minute they will stupid I really am, how much I just fake it to make it. The one thing I can't fake is my feelings and compassion for those in need. I know that's why I still do what I do. I suppose it fills a void for me. If give maybe, just maybe I'll get in return. I very rarely cry at work, because of work. But recently it has become a daily thing. Brief as it may be, because there is no crying in Neurosurgery, or baseball, either way it's not accepted. You do the job and move onto the next needful person. Do your best to patch them up and keep going. Lately, I can't patch them up, can't get them to the next level, they stay waiting..... I hate this, the waiting to move on....

The waiting for the longing for, the desire to be desired, but know that with each passing day your beauty fades and grays, and lines replace smooth skin, and desire becomes a thing of the past. Once lost to never regain. Each day another potential another chance to set things right, to move forward, to keep breathing, with that thought I realize this waiting.. I don't want to wait until my life is over, I want to live it and love in it now. I suppose the best place to start is within my heart, that's been waiting for me a long time......

If you're just a dream, I don't want to wake just yet......

If you're just a dream, I don't want to wake just yet......

Tender, visions, pictures of people that are looking for something. Something as simple as a quick hook up to release the tensions of the day through non-emotional contact, and yes it does exit. Some are seeking a few new friends to just kill time and enjoy maybe a night or two out, to live a bit more than simply existing after work. Some are simply scam artist, looking to take from some poor unsuspecting lonely person. To some, they are looking for that one single being, the one who will end the need for putting one's self out in internet space for all the world to see. I don't know why I put the app on my phone, besides my boy's at work telling me too. At first it was thrilling to sweep left for nope and right for yes. Until there were more nope's than yes's. A few matches that were immediate deletes, such as "Hey I'm married, but really would like to meet and fuck you". Yeah, not that desperate, EVER! There were a few like Rob the bod, who wanted a weekly afternoon delight while he was in town.  He lived in Austin but worked out of San Antonio. He was hot, and very tempting, but not really something that would of happened. Then there was Ryan, newly separated, and really, really annoying, persistent, and well not my type. Many hello's that were quickly left unanswered. A few, I'm looking for a wife, a mother to my son, daughter, or both. Many who lived out of state, in town and ready for a great night out. Yeah, tender visions, with not so tender needs. Was about to delete this now becoming annoying app, when I came across a smile that just grabbed me. What is it about smiles that pull me in, especially the ones that show in the eyes, that are genuine. His did, his profile was just "I'm 6'5" and love to laugh and smile"... oh and that he was 271 miles away from me. That should of been enough for me to swipe left, but something made me swipe right. Match! He sent a hello, simple way to start, and I returned in kind. Response of how's  your day, I'm just coming in from being out at the pool, me responding in usual fashion with the truth of the day. He then said I'm in Midland, and will transferring with work beginning of October. Something made me immediately give him my number, he didn't respond. So I then said I was sorry for being so forward, and anyway left it at that. Then he responded on a Monday afternoon, with a picture of his smiling self. Something again about his eyes and the life that was in them, and of course the smile. Something that made me want to hope that this one, this man, was different. Innocent flirtation followed. Simple hello, how are you doing, every day kind of texts. Selfies sent. It all still felt innocent enough. We continued with the getting to know each other, the I grew up here, have this many siblings, the usual ten minute conversation in a text. He continued to want to get to know me, and me him. Felt connection from a distance. I began to hope, that this man, is the man I have been praying for. The man that would calm my fears of trusting, that would love me in my gray years, that would carry me when I can't carry myself. The man I created in my mind all those years ago. Could this be the man that I allow to control some of my dominating personality? Could I give into him, could he balance my chaotic existence? These thoughts ran through my mind the closer the days came to when he might be really here. Here in the same town, really here for me to touch, kiss, see, hold and of course much more. His fears that I was toying with him he admitted as well, was wondering about me and other men. Other men? I don't know why it's so hard to believe that for me there isn't any others. I am built that way. I concentrate on one at a time, well when I am truly interested. If I wanted to graze, I wouldn't of chose to seek him out every minute of my day. If I wanted to continue to graze, Tender would still be a daily app I'd visit, instead of being in my delete grave yard. I think he texted or I texted every day, not a day would go by that a good morning wasn't sent. Afternoon hello's, evening how was your day texts. Pictures of self again, intimate, and not. I began to look forward to every morning, to his calling me baby. See I have never in my life allowed anyone to call me baby, until him. It felt, strangely, right. I think I truly loved looking at his face, in every picture he'd send. His reply when I'd send him a selfie, for just in case he forgot what I looked like, was "Your imprinted on my mind". Hooked, yep, like a big old fish. So the day came that he was supposed to be here, he couldn't make it yet. To many issues keeping him in the other town. I can understand, and I will give him the benefit of a doubt. But I need to wake up and get back to being in reality. He is not here, and well may never be, and even though he seems to be everything that I swore didn't exist for me, he's not, simply because he's not here. So I suppose he doesn't exist, for me, but does for some other lucky woman. Why does it always seem I choose the unattainable, the unavailable. I suppose it's easier to stay in a dream state than to handle the harshness of reality, some days more than others. It's pure comfort and pleasure, but it's not real. Pain is real, breathing is real, walking, talking, sharing and true caring, is real. Texted words are just empty promises, and nothing more. Even so, I truly didn't want to wake, but the alarm of today has broken that dream... Up I get going, and off into this day, still alone with my thoughts and time..... but what a dream it was.....

To tease is to want

A friend of mine recently said to me "To tease is to want".... I really didn't pay much attention to the statement at first, but it kept coming back into my mind. I started teasing, if you may, the meaning behind it, and it made me realize that it's true. To tease is to want, many things, such as to tease is to want attention, the attention of others, male and female, acknowledge me, maybe. To tease is to want attraction, look at me, am I the one, try me. To tease is to want connection, in this world of less interaction physically, we seek connection outside our norms, texting has become common,  no more calls with sounds, just written words, but still connection. To tease is to want affection, that is what it is, we are all seeking emotions of affirmation, whether to just make ourselves feel something be it good or bad, we so desire affection from others. To tease is to want, yeah, the list goes on....... Over the past few years I have become more of a person without a filter, and I say and do things without sometimes, really thinking them through. I have become an advertisement if I may say, advertisement of myself. See the act of  teasing is done with simple words, with my actions, and with photos, seems to have become a comfortable norm. I think I'm not alone in doing this, I see others, everywhere. Social media has opened a lot of people up to that. We have become our own commercials. We put ourselves out there to masses in order to bring in the right customers. Although we are not selling a product, per say, we are selling something of ourselves. Yes, selling something. The picture of a cup of coffee a smile, may be just our attempt to share a moment in time, or is it our draw for likes? We are purely, sometimes, just looking for our friends, acquaintances, and maybe lovers approval. Their responses to whatever our need is at the moment the commercial was made. The right customers to fill that void, a need, a purpose. So we put up a picture, selfies and life shots. We put up a meme to announce "look at me" to shout "listen to me" or simply "pay attention to me". We type out to the world comments of our days events, our thoughts, our selling points to bring in the comments or just to get them out of our heads, like I do often. So that little phrase, to tease is to want, means a lot. Has made me think about what I do want in my life, what I do want to attract, and what I do need. That phrase, to tease is to want, has made me think of how I should be presenting myself, what I should post, what I should say, just a little....... First, I acknowledge that I am far from perfect, and gratefully never will be. However, I know that I can improve on what I do, how I do it, and who I do it for. I do things from myself, mostly, that is true, but I should be more mindful of who I affect beyond me. Who do I affect with my actions? I affect maybe my children, my co-workers, my dear friends, and in the future my love. For we all don't just post positive, we post negatives, hurtful things, and sometimes very questionable things. These things can always come back and haunt you, especially now that we are putting it all out there for the masses. To tease is to want, yep, and that want has gotten bigger and less fulfilled........This friend of mine has me thinking, and that's a good thing.

Autumn leaves on the path before me....

You and I traveled for a long time along the same dirt road, some areas were rougher than others, but we traveled it together. Throughout our walk, it felt like many occasions I was carrying you. Especially near the end of our time, when your body was frail from disease, and your cough became louder as you tried to breathe. All that could be heard was your struggle to just live, the sound beating loudly in my ears. To some our path was to heavy a burden, one to forego, but not for us, for love and hope gave us strength to continue our walk, until the end. 27 years we walked together, then God gave you an exit towards a more restful path. Your suffering in this world had been long enough and it was time for you to move on, without me. For your journey was completed here and mine was nowhere near finished. You said to me before you parted, that my life would be better now, I would no longer have to carry you, or worry about you, and then you slipped away along that gilded path. Leaving me, alone to stumble for awhile. Left to take in the surroundings along my own road. See the grass go from green to brown and back again. See seasons change, some harsher than the years before, but see them I did and will.

This morning I woke up thinking about Bob. About his good heart, the one that he tried to please others with. The one he desperately tried to please me with. I spent so much of my time thinking about all the things he did wrong. The lies, the stealing, the drugs, the alcohol, the never keeping a job, so much so that I missed the simple, loving things. Yes he couldn't help himself, lies were a way for him to pave his road of good intentions. He wanted to be so much more than he allowed or could even believe in. His demons controlled him, and then ultimately his disease did too. I didn't appreciate how he showed his love and or his need to try and please me. Many times over he tried, and many times I failed to say thank you or give in return. He was the keeper of the house. He cleaned this home, kept the cob webs away. He tended the yard, mowed, edged and kept the weeds at bay. He kept the clutter hidden, and did not allow it to overwhelm our home. He made the dinners and fed the kids, did the laundry and kept us in clean clothes. He watched over us at night, sometimes not sleeping and just watching the on goings of the neighborhood. He drove the kids to their functions, to their friends, took me to work from time to time, and always tended to Connors every need. He made my lunches, left me love notes to try and make me smile. He'd be the voice that would lead me safely home every night and wait for me to pull into the drive and take what ever bit of badness from my day into him. He made love to me, for me, was always about me for as long as I can remember, and it hurt him near the end of his life not to be able to give where once he was the master at making me smile. Now today I reflect on his need to please me the only way he could, by giving of himself. I only looked for the material offerings, something I had learned from my parents. Something I am so sorry that I did learn, and trying so hard to unlearn now, a little to late, I know. I fully know I let my anger, my walls, my self absorbing ways, ultimately cause him pain. I suppose my punishment to him, justly, maybe, but one shouldn't be so unloving. I can't change the past, can't tell him now how sorry I am that I didn't love him more, or tell him more, or show him more through hugs, kisses, and kind words. I find myself wondering if I will ever get the chance to love again, to find someone that will equally give, and allow me to give in return. I don't know if that kind of man exists for me. Lately all I find are takers, and the negative side of me thinks this is an acceptable punishment for the years I selfishly took Bob for granted. Selfish, yes I was. I can hear him now, when he'd say "It's not always about you, Cin", how that phrase rings true. I only focused on me, on my pain, my lot. How much I was doing for the good of my family. Me, me, me... I was so unhappy that I wouldn't even try to let him make me happy, feel loved, feel really at all anything good. My need to try and control, ultimately failed to bring any control, just chaos and loss. When will I learn to just live, lay back and let life happen? When will I stop overthinking and trying to force things in alignment? I don't know.... All I do know is that I will walk on, down this path I started along time ago. I know I will stumble, maybe fall, but I will always get back up, well as long a the good Lord lets me. I know also that I will always think of Bob this time of year, for this is when I lost him, and myself for awhile. This week I was tested, and I stumbled, I gave into my weakness and let doubt of my abilities side line me, but not finish me. This too made me think of Bob, for he stumbled, picked him self up, because of love for his family, until we wouldn't help him anymore, we failed him, through failing to love him to forgive him in the end, when he was truly wanting it...... I also have met someone, well almost. He's not here in San Antonio, not yet, but will be in a few weeks. I think his asking of me to think about someone else pleasing me, allowing a loss of control, even if just purely physical, has me asking myself can I? I couldn't let Bob know he fully pleased me, though he did unlike anyone, before or after him. I don't want to not let anyone know how I feel in the moment and after the moment has passed, or allow myself to miss out on feelings of joy, happiness and yes intense pleasure. I truly don't know if I can give up self control and allow someone else the reign over me, to give into them. We will have to wait and see. If this man is as good as his heart seems to be, I ask myself, am I worthy of him? I would hope that I am, and that I don't destroy myself trying to stay in control and closed off. That I can be more open and trusting, giving, sharing, caring, and hell just loving outside the box and the walls I have created. So today, as I remember Bob, reflect on the past, and hope for the future, I am trying to enjoy this season of my life that's just starting.... Fall is in the air, the time is coming that the leaves will be turning bright beautiful orange, yellow, and red. These leaves of Autumn will blanket the side of the road I travel, and I will step with confidence through them, and hope to feel alive and brilliant, and on fire, like the colors that surround me on this path, like the fire that burns within me, that guide me and allow me to travel alone for awhile longer.