Hiding in plain site, will he find me?

I want to run, I want to forget I yern for you, I want to let you go, I want to not keep trying, I want to remove my heart and return to being the frozen one. I don't want to care this deeply for something that may be, may not be, is unknown. I don't want to need you, don't want this ache you left deep within me. I don't like the thoughts of not trusting these feelings for you, because of the fear that I am going to be knifed in the heart and left as a hollow shell, dry husk just resembling something that once was me. I don't like this fear of failing you by not finding you, helping you, pleasing you, so I feel as if I need to turn and hide away from this burning flame within me that the thought of  you has stoked to life.

Yes, yes, yes, this is what I want to do, or think I do. It's so much easier not going on with looking for another soul to give my heart too. So much easier to stay shielded and protected. Yes, easier, but not what I want or what I need. I want to give into my dark passion while sharing my light as well. I want to share my whole self, body, heart, and soul with my chosen one. My chosen one, yes, the one I want. I don't want to settle for just another person to fill a void. I want the man I have dreamed of my whole life. Why shouldn't I hold out for him, fight for him, chase him? I want the one that matches me step for step. I need the challenge, not the easy target. I need someone that peaks my interest and desires, and can fill them and not run from them. I need the man that can handle all sides of me. I am a good girl for all to see, but the other half of me is a lot darker. I'm not just vanilla, I'm a whole mix of spices. Passion for life, best of both worlds. Such a high opinion of my self...Actually, yes, took me all my life to finally come to terms with who I am, and learn to love and welcome all sides of me. I can tolerate looking in the mirror now without thinking that I am at fault for the world or my families problems. I can hug myself and feel it inward not just a way to keep warm when feeling cold. I started this journey not to long ago, just trying to become better, more whole. The fact that I have become painfully aware of my need for a life partner, that is an extension of myself, is also a surprise to me. For a very long time I have so said "I need no other, just my kids". Foolish thought, yes I do need my children, but they don't complete all of me, just the mother side. I have been floundering to be whole. It goes well beyond just loving one's self. It's a blessing to have the ability to give of one's self fully to another. Support of another's well being, giving love, compassion, encouragement, pleasure, and protection, is an awesome thing to be able to do. To believe in someone else, to help drive them to meet the greatness they were born to reach. To enhance their life while enriching your own self, that's living. I want that, I want to do that. After all, I am a giver, always have been. I know I need to be more of a taker, be the one that takes his soul, to hold it close and keep it safe. See, still giving, even when trying to think of taking someone as mine. No matter this want this desire, I still need to find that one, or do I? If I close my eyes, I see him, in my mind I hold him, in my heart I fully love him, it's just in life that he's not available. I taste him, feel him, cherish him, I know him, yet he's still out of reach. My addiction, my simple obsession, my passions flame keeper, I know him, yet he's far from my touch. All in good time friends and family say, all in good and God's time. Will lightening strike twice, well, the fact that lightening didn't strike me the first time, does it change things? The question should be will lightening ever strike? Does it really need too? Is not the fire that drives me enough to find what and who I am searching for? What am I looking for, hmmmm. Good question. I have said before a warrior, someone that has survived this world, scarred, wounded, still strong, one that longs for life, love, completeness in self. Someone who's able to shield me against them, help protect me from the world and yes from myself. .... Must have a mind that is vastly knowledgeable, can carry on deep conversations, and yet light hearted when needed.  Broad chest, large hands, height, head full of hair, eyes that burn into me and can stare me down, blue in color would just be a plus. Not many men can stare me down when I lock eyes, can only really think of one, just one. I need that connection, chemistry if you will, I need that electric even magical personal connection. I refuse to ignore that important part. Again I shall refuse to settle, I have done that to many times in my life. So, shall I remain alone? Possible, but with that I will not be letting my heart and soul down again. I am okay with that, if that is what God wants. I can wait a life time and if I have to I'll wait even into the next one I am born into, if that is the way it is to be. I am not hiding, I am here, out front, shining for the world to see, but will he? Will he find me, hell will he allow himself to want me, will he allow me to just be me, nurture above all I suppose, will he take the help I offer when he needs it, that's the thing about looking and wanting a strong warrior type partner, they have a tendency to refuse to show any weakness and allow help, can I over come that? I don't know, may be my undoing, the not being able to help. See there's a lot still that I need to learn about myself, so maybe it is a good thing that he is still out of my reach. Even so, I feel him, and know he's there, somewhere, maybe he's hiding in plain site as well, waiting for me when his time is right.......

character flaws and all, make up a beautiful package in truth......

Do you have any dry wall mud I can borrow.......

Today my mind has been full of self reflection, maybe it's because of this pain in my left glute, or just the fact it's been a long week, many ups and downs. Just thinking of the good and bad about my whole being. I have thought today that if allowed to pick at our flaws through out the day, one would always have festering sores with ugly scars to show the world our self dislikes. Badges of our own self hate for the world to see. Some would  have huge scars, others mere scratches. Mine would be in between. I know my flaws, clearly, I have always been able to pick them out. I don't need others to do that for me. My mother and father did that well. If you don't see them, let me point them out to you. First off, I am critical of life, critical of others, be it friend or foe. I expect the worse from them, always steady myself for rejection, being used for what ever purpose that serves the other person's gain, being abandoned, being left behind, being lied too, being easily forgotten and replaced without a thought. I stand there like the wall I have built around my psyche, hard and uninviting. Trying hard to show, I don't need others, I am able to do this task of living on my own. May be a lonely stance, but that unsure side of my being feels protected fiercely with this shield. Wrong or right it doesn't matter, it's my flaw to see and deal with. I see the whole picture, and I'm painfully honest. Yep, call a spade a spade. Hateful, spiteful words without thought can easily spill out. Knowing that you can't take them back once said, yep, blows to others, without a punch thrown, I know, sometimes they are earned, but not always necessary. They seem to be a comfortable partner to another flaw that is a huge part of me, for I have a quick hot temper, that I sometimes can't control who I lash out at. Unfortunately I have let it out on innocents, like my kids. Something I always swore I would not do, since I had it dished out to me on a daily basis. The difference is I did not throw physical punches, but we know that the word sometimes hurts longer. I am working on this everyday, trying to give the more I love you's instead of negatives. It is a battle though, again I am aware of, no need to point it out. Shall we continue... I have a tendency to hurt myself, throw that punch into the wall. Yeah my knuckles to my right hand have bled more than they needed to. Surprised I don't have a boxers hand. I am physical, very violent in nature, however I refuse to lash that physical strike on any person. I'll take the pain back into myself instead of the object of my anger flair. You know like the cutter, who feels release of pain, when they bleed, I feel the release of anger, when sharpness of pain hits. Strange what we as humans take on as our norm. Self hate, disgust with the mirror, for we see the truth under the image. Ego, well that's not my flaw. Maybe mine is lack of, working on that. I know that I am one hell of a person, can take a lot on these shoulders. However, I wouldn't wish me on anyone. Shattered, battered, bent, far from broken, but far from being whole. I can't smooth out the wrinkles in the shirt of life for anyone. Don't own an iron. Even though I do have a lot of critical sides, I also know that with people I do love and care for, I am painfully loyal, another flaw. Because I will give them everything they need, and then I will do without. I will always try too soothe their pain, while just letting mine go untended. Again the idea of pain as a constant reminder I am here. The pain in my heart of not feeling lovable or that I deserve it. The pain of giving love and not knowing if it really matters that I do. The pain of not being enough, even though I should be. The pain of constantly starting over, trying to make the best of a bad situation. The pain of choosing what appears to be the wrong path to others, but the only path that I feel comfortable to be on. The pain of loss of my innocence to young and early, no fault of mine. The pain of not allowing one's self to give in. The pain of unfelt total pleasure, it's not allowed, the ability to give in that fully, for then I would have truly let someone in if I did, and we will not let that happen. That goes along with my flaw of the pain of giving and not receiving... Pain, what an old dear friend that word has become.

Recently a friend said "Someday, you will take a compliment, for what it is" Hmmmm, compliments, yeah, ummm, I don't handle those well. Those little could be truth's of the moment, what others might see, the little niceties, little foreign beings... Yeah, they don't make me comfortable actually. Sometimes they are words that feel like little ants crawling on my skin. I was not raised hearing such things, so forgive me if I make a snide comment back to "you look great", yeah I know a thank you should be all I say. To hear, "you know you're beautiful" doesn't make it a truth. Maybe in that person's mind it is, but not in mine. I suppose the saying that one may hear they are beautiful, but will only believe it when they hear from the one that they love, might work. Problem, I don't ever believe it, maybe I haven't truly met the one I could love, hmmmmm..... No it's more accepting to hear in the old comments of things like, you will not succeed in life, you will be a failure, you are painful to look at, you are a source of constant hurtful reminder of all the wrong in my life, the you are too fat, you are too lazy, you are not good enough. Yep, those comments I have tendency to believe.. Those feel like the compliments that my nature is drawn too... flaws in the surface of my life....I have been for first time in my 52 years working towards being comfortable with me. I am working on knowing what my corrective flaws are and trying to accept them. I am always going to work on trying to fully love me for the awesome creature I am, and I know I will get there. This is an outlet for me to just put into words what is not needing to fester anymore. I am not striving to pick at my flaws, this allows them to be out there for world to see, and to maybe begin to heal without the deep scarring that they could have. I will work on trying to believe I deserve the world in brighter more positive mode, that beauty is truly mine to have and to give love and receive.... I may never fully smooth out my surface, but hey cracks in the wall give it character, and Lord knows I have plenty of character for the world to see and well maybe enjoy.........

Road thus far

Choose the road less traveled, for it offers better scenery........

My road through life has been a bit rough thus far, very few moments of smooth pavement. Potholes, cracks, and steep inclines are more the norm. Thank God he made me with strong legs and heart to walk it. I am not complaining, for I know I am who I am because of the trials I have had to pass to continue surviving. I will sometimes falter and yell out "when will things start to go right for me". When will love stay, when will I make finances last, when will my life stay in a happy frame instead of constant turmoil? Then I breathe in and out, and think, it has. I was loved by a man with all he could give for 27 years, longer than many. I have healthy children, who are human with their own troubles and faults, and love me for being just their mom. I have a job that I love to do, may hate the low pay, but I love what I do. As for my daily chaos, well I think, if the waters were still I'd drown from boredom, I am alive and fierce because of it. I am thankful for my health, my ability to change myself for the better. Many can't, but I can. Hard work I am not afraid of. Failing, well I have many times, but I never lay down or will I ever quit trying. It's not in me. Like Dirk sings, I hold on.. Always have been one that never lets go. I know there have been many times I should have. Should of stopped believing and released many people and issues to the wind. However I don't, for nothing has been an anchor to drag me down, no never. I know I am hard on people I don't trust, have always had an eye for true human character. I see people for who they are, their lack of, or their future potential. So I see the possibilities, when most see a  hopeless being, I see a person, given the chance will shine and be the warrior that they always should of been. In some, I see and feel only contempt, for their soul and aura is dark, no matter how much they protest they are the opposite. It's a gift, I fully embrace. I am not here to be everyone's friend, or lover. I just know I am here, God's plan, not mine. So this pavement, broken and uneven as it is, well its a great path to who I am supposed to be. I am just not there yet. The past year as I have dealt with the scare of breast cancer, has been a huge learning curve for me. It's very eye opening, just having your mortality come in to full view. Thanking God, that I am currently breast cancer free, and will stay vigilant to remain that way. Continue to change my behaviors to better my odds. I have continued to deal with the grief over the loss of my life's balance, Bob. He will always be in my heart, and I will always miss him, but finally this year I am learning to let him go. Trying to let him rest in peace, finally. For the longest time, I have laid blame to my sorrows at his feet. Now granted he helped, but he was not fully responsible. My holding on, ME, I was responsible. I let him lie, I let him steal, I let him deceive the family, all in the thought of this is how it's supposed to be. One stays for better or worse, richer or poorer, through sickness and in health, til death do us part. I mean after all wasn't that the vow I took in front of God and my family? Hind sight 20/20. We create our own happiness, we put our emotions into whomever or whatever we feel is what we need. I held on to my sorrows like a life line. I was more afraid of failing as a wife, friend and lover than I was of failing at being happy and complete. I mean after all my own parent's stay married through HELL, so why shouldn't I? Now they live apart, married, but apart. My mom is happier in her personal life. Sure, she misses her kids and grand-kids, but she doesn't miss my fathers hatefulness, or my youngest brothers carbon copy attitude. I suppose if Bob had lived, I would continued to wear blinders and continued to see who he could be, if he believed in himself, like I did. Like I said God's plan, not mine. Now what shall I do with the knowledge that my road is going on for a bit longer? I think I shall continue to walk, take in my surroundings on this road, this dirt road. I will continue to regret nothing, carry on as usual. Be me, give me when necessary. Take the days and nights as they come. Enjoy the smiles, the hugs from family and friends. Continue to strive for my own happiness. Live for the moment, and maybe I'll stumble on this road into the path of my future partner, or not. I will hopefully see my children succeed, to have families of their own. Live to witness my youngest show the world how great he is, watch him continue to rise and shine. Yes, hope, I will always have that. I have finally learned and accepted that my life it is what it is. That it is fully reliant on my choices, my path, and nothing more...

Now stand back and try not to choke on the dust I leave in my wake.....

Queen of hearts.....

There once was a broken warrior who attempted to capture the guarded soul of the queen of hearts. He only succeeded in making her build her walls higher. Locking herself away inside her lonely tower for eternity, trusting not one single soul. Always vying to protect her mangled broken heart from years of deceit and trust lost. Love always being empty promises. She cast out the warrior, locked the gates and melted the key... Whispering never more, never more.......

My best friend knows me well, I tell her how I can't keep thinking of you, my wounded warrior. How you consumed my thoughts, mind, body and soul. How it will never be more than what it is now, which is really nothing. I tell her how I need to let you go. She just says, you do what you feel you need too, but she thinks I am running away from what could be. Keeping my heart locked away and keeping the pain at bay. She's right, but it's what I do, self preserve......I swore when Bob died I was never going to love again, or even try. Never desire another human as I used to long too do. It's easier not needing anyone, it's easier being alone. It's easier not having another person touch your body in a way that leaves you open and vulnerable. It's easier to take what is needed from others and walk away, without a word or reason why you don't return the calls or texts. It's easier to shut down and not feel... Easier said until you cross paths with the one your heart made up years ago, thinking it's safe to make up this man that will never exist. God has a funny sense of humor to place these stumbling blocks in your path. He laughs as we trip up in the middle of our already crazy and emotional roads, and on you I fell over, scrapping my knees and palms, causing superficial cuts that will heal without scars. The pain and tears of knowing that I could give you everything is to much for me to bear at times. You are unavailable, wrapped up in your own world. I need more than you can give, I know that. That's why everyday I swear, I'm done. No more chasing you, no more texts of simple hello's, or longing thoughts. Everyday I swear I am done, until you reply and a smile slips over my face and my heart leaps. Usually works to buy you one more day of my trying, until today..... I will not hear from you. You are occupied, I will not send anymore morning sunshine's or goodnight sir's. I will not try anymore. I need to be chased myself, I need to be wanted and needed first. I need to be the only one, not one of many. See God allowed me to meet you, a player, a womanizer, a man that can not be happy with just one woman. Your curse, not mine. My curse is not being able to trust, believe in, or hope for you or anyone for that matter. To many crushed dreams of happiness for it to ever be a reality. To many lies, to many times my gut instinct has been spot on. So even though I know I could of loved you deeply, completely, and that sexually I would of matched you if not over powered you, I will shut this door. Lock it, and try to hide the key. No dances in the dark, no moments to be wrapped up in each other, no simple conversations early in the AM when sleep evades us. No touching, no connecting, no kisses, no moments of intense passion, none. All these were unintended promises, carrots in front of the cart. Empty longings, going nowhere. The reality of the whole situation is that it is all just a mental mind fuck. Nothing more. I can easily turn to another unavailable male for simple mind fucks if I choose, but I don't, to easy. I like challenges, I like to win. With you there is no winning, just losing on my end. So to save my psyche and heart I cut my loses now. I have not lost really anything beyond words and simple pictures, nothing of my personal self. So yes, it's easy to just turn off the phone, concentrate on my day, my life, my progress in the whole scheme of this game called simply existing. Maybe you truly were just a way for God to wake up that part of me that I thought gone, thought dead. Maybe God just tried to make me realize I can feel something, and that maybe someday I can try again. Maybe.... Just not today, and not with you. I've heard to many times that I deserve so much better, yeah, sure. Haven't met better yet, or really Mr. go all the way where my soul needs him to go. Nope, at my age he doesn't exist. No lightening to strike twice for me, no fire to burn brightly for, that's the reality, not you. You can stay a broken warrior, and I will stay a guarded queen of hearts.....

Walls

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall....

Walls...I have worked on raising mine all my life. Each brick placed to block out oncoming attacks from all sides. Bricks to shield me from pain, misery, deceit, bad weather, and anything else that could attempt to come through and weaken me. We are not born with these, and some lucky souls never ever have to raise one single layer. Others, only a small one that can easily be taken down. Mine however is greater than the great wall of China. It is tall, built solid, built with a lot of blood, sweat and tears. Tears to wet the cement of protection. There have been moments in my life that I removed a few bricks, let a few people enter and let them leave. Then I would reseal it, and put more bricks up for bolstering. I let my walls crumble a bit when I met my late husband, trust was not an issue at that time. So those bricks had not even begun to be made or laid. However through the 27 years we were together, my trust was misused. To many lies, to much deceit, to many games. Up they started, higher and higher I built my walls. Bitterness, such a negative, acid carrying feeling, is also part of my wall, became a big part of it's make up. That bitterness, strengthens the wall actually. Don't know if I will ever loose that part. To many wrongs, to many bad decisions, to many let downs, to many wrong paths. My life is the unpaved path, lots of dips, over growth, briers, few flowers, and lots of mud that I have walked through. I do it, because I have too, and refuse to give up, I refuse to lay down and let someone trod over me. I try to let my guard down, a bit, from time to time. All in hopes to maybe take a few bricks out. Sadly, when I do, it's all for naught. I suppose the problem lies in the fact that I have poor choice in the ones I choose to get close too. I lean toward the broken, the battered, the narcissistic males of our species. Far from me the empathetic female that I hear I am. I suppose it's from what I learned was right, what to expect. I don't know how to turn to a strong, all together person. I mean after all, that's what I have to be. My walls, I do truly want them to fall, I do truly want to not be afraid of pain from love. I truly want to trust with all my heart, I just can't. I can fake it with the best. I do that with ease, ahhhh, another part of my wall of protection. Pretend to be all about what is going on with that potential male, seeking to help ease his pain. All in all, I'm watching his every move, picking apart his every word. Waiting for the shoe to drop, for the lie to be told, the pain to be given. For I have learned that to truly let them in only weakens my soul. I recently stopped pretending and really did care and try to ease someone's pain. My only thought was how to please them. I was trying to take bricks down to do this. Back of mind my voices kept whispering, be careful, be watchful, you are not paying attention. I tried to ignore them, as I continued on my path of trying to let him in. However they got louder, started yelling... Look, inspect, you silly girl, to finally I did, and his wall of deceit showed through. His playing ways were now obvious. So out came my cement and those old mistrust bricks were replaced. I suppose the point, the lesson to learn for me from this, is still to follow my instinct, my gut. Next time be more careful who I think about letting in. For I do hope there is a next time, right now, I don't think so, matter of fact I'm on my way out to by more cement, I still have a lot of new bricks to place.

Thanks Grandpa

I miss you, my summer keeper of safe and happy memories .....

I can still feel and see, my childhood summer memories, even in my darkest moments, they are light that guides me home. Those June bugs on a string, whirring around my head, silly laughter as they land on my shoulder. Chasing fire flies through fields as evening begins. The smell of grandma's catfish a cooking on the stove, and those blackberry stains all over my hands, mouth watering from the thought of that cobbler a baking. Singing as loud as I could in front of my make believe crowd on the back of my grandpa's old flat bed Ford. Bowing low for the standing ovations, and silent yells for encore, that I'd gladly continue to give. The smell of fresh mowed hay, the feel of weight of the bale as it was bucked up into that same old flat bed. The comforting sounds of cows in the back ground calling for their calves. Tomato's hot from the sun straight off the vine, bursting warm and sweet in my mouth. Strawberries glistening on the ground, picking until we couldn't pick anymore. Dirt roads to explore for miles and miles. Sassafras filling the air with thoughts of Root Beer floats, overflowing in the glass. Honeysuckle invading my senses and taking me away on the wind. Frogs a jumping into that old green pond, with the dragon flies darting to an fro. Grandmas lilac bush with purple beauty and fragrance that calms the soul. Coyotes howling at night, chasing that distant train, but never quiet catching it. All these memories seem like a dream, far off life that created the safe place in my mind. My only joy from my childhood, was the moments lived and shared on that old farm. 382 acres of fun, laughter, adventures, and lots of love without pain. I go there from time to time in my mind to reflect the innocence lost elsewhere in my life. My grandfather, Virgil,  was a simple, honest man, never an unkind word to me, never a hand lifted in anger. I loved him with all I had. The man who told me to tell them all to go to hell, he gave me that bit of strength in moments of my life that I felt that I might succumb to my life of fear and pain. In my mind this man would live forever, but we as mortals should know better. For he did die, in my heart and mind to young.  After he died, I dreamed of him, sitting at my bedside holding my hand and telling me again to continue to be strong, that storms were a coming and to remember I will be alright. I do believe he was fore warning me of things to come, and to this day I lean in on his memory. This man who taught me to fish, to just be able to sit on those banks in the sun and be still, listening to the water, feeling the world around me. He taught me to love the things around me, to not give up, keep waiting, that fish will bite when ready. He taught me to jerk that line, set that hook, and pull that life line in to me. He taught me that some fish get away, and that's Gods plan, not ours. Let them go, but never give up on continuing the chase. He disliked snapping turtles, only time I ever heard him say an ill word was when they would take his potential prize flat head off his trout line. His yelling of "fire in the hole" when catching Carp early in the morning, still rings with excitement in my ears.  I can still feel those moments of riding in the boat as the sun peaked up from the horizon, with fresh water misting up in my face. My first love of being near and on the water, I do believe came from being in those moments. This man taught me about life and death, about giving more than we receive, and being happy with the simple things that are found around us. I can still see him standing near his old tractor in blue overalls, red wing boots, and his bright light eyes. This farmer, father, my grandfather, this strong figure of a meaningful man, will never fade in my mind. He could fillet a fish faster and better than anyone I have ever seen, skin that fish and leave the heads as his trophies, as if he had to feed the wind with their spirits. He would sit out at the picnic table in the afternoon, fly swatter in hand, sure hand, hardly ever missed his target. Talking to the black squirrels, cracking the black walnuts open, leaving inviting fragrances to give to them, to keep them around, again sharing with the world around him. I see him sitting at the old black and yellow kitchen table, with his green coffee cup in the AM, black and hot that coffee was. A true man, if ever I knew one. I know he's the model of what a man should be, one I have in my mind and heart. May be no one that will ever fill that image more than he for me. He gave me what my father could not, the desire to live and love. He gave me peace when my life was in chaos. He gave a lap to curl up on, a hug without cost, and silent "I love you" in everything he did. He was not a man of many words, no, he was a man of actions. Character to me that was unflawed, truth, love, safety and strength was all I ever felt around him. I suppose I think about him today for I know he passed those abilities on to me. I am far from unflawed, but I am stronger than that little girl was all those years ago, and you were right grandpa, I am alright, and I'll continue to ride the storms out, another fish to catch and I will always continue this chase all my life.....

What a wicked spell you have cast over me.....

What a wicked spell you have cast over me.....

I have never been overwhelmed by the thought of someone, until I met him. I found myself with the idea of him crashing into me, all day. I have never been able to not fully focus on the task at hand, but he sent my mind into a million different places. He has a strength about him and force that called to me to walk toward his dark passions. His needs, I at first thought, are deep, deeper than mine. He is that demon that I can't say no too, the secret desire to spark my inner self. He awoke in me a part that I thought dead. My Cin, she has been fully asleep for more than 10 years, well actually, Cin started slipping out of my consciences a longer time before then. My Cin's passion for life, love, desire, intimacy has always been intense. To much for the average, and I had settled for less than that. So Cin was gagged, sedated for most of my adult life. She'd roar through when passion stirred between me and another, but never satisfied by the encounter. Cin would sulk in the corner of my mind, pout and stamp her foot to go find him, but I didn't, wouldn't, couldn't even try. I married a man that knew how to coax her to the surface, but he could not keep her there every day. That Cin side of myself was a bit much, and he had other demons to deal with, than my deepest needs or desires. He used to say I was the lock and he was the key, and loved opening me up to let Cin out to play, his favorite Cin. He was the first one to say that, call me Cin, call me out. So when he brought that wild child to life, it was magical, but was only a moment of brief sunlight, brief breath taking rises to the surface, just that, brief, and over in a flash. Other parts of my persona always pushed Cin into the background. The mother, the provider, the fighter, all elbowing her to be still, be quiet, let them do what needs to be done. So down she went. Curled up in a ball, waiting, and waiting. When grief took over after my husband died, I was sure that part of me was lost forever. That side of me that I truly relish and come alive in. My secret beautifully longing child. The one who loves and thrives on touch, the pleasures of all my senses. She allows me to dance in the dark, frolic in the sand, float upon the water, and dive deep to rise up to the surface again, and again. She gives me the strength to push a man up against the wall, pressing his back firmly against it. She gives me the drive to take that bull by the horns and ride that bronc to breaking. Yes, she gives rise to all my deeper needs. Finding the one that can meet those for me, is another story for most if not all of my life, he was not to be found. Then all of a sudden I turn a page and there he is, I thought, for a moment. For he quickly picked up on Cin, and I knew she'd be his favorite if he could have her, but he couldn't, or I wouldn't. I toy with the idea of letting her take over, allow me to be different than my controlled persona. I think Cin would be very much in charge of where she leads us, but not so sure she'd allow me to keep it. Cin would want to move on,  if left with the feeling of not enough connection and completeness with another human being. So I am sure she will keep me searching. Cin loves to sing for me, I do believe she is truly the underlying melody that allows my heart to beat on.  Cin loves to live, drink, enjoying every moment of intensity. I pay for my Cins behavior issues, me, I own it. She is me, I am Cin, and I want to break free from the chains that have kept me unfulfilled, that have caged my chance for happiness and completeness. I wanted to walk to this man and lay my hands palms up for him, to take and lead me down that path, that I have been longing to take for far to long. However it will not be with him, for my fear of falling and ultimate rejection can not be over come, and timing is not in place for both of us. My wants and needs may truly be more than he can endure. So, again I await for my life to move toward alignment with the stars. My Cin is awake, whispering in my ear, and waiting, toes tapping to the rhythm of my heart. I feel her and I whisper, I can take the chance now to allow us to be as one. The point is I am awake, finally. A part of me can thank him for that, at least. For now his spell is broken by reality, and the only wicked part that remains is the glint in my eye and smile I keep when I think about what fun my future will hold, and onward I will step......