Autumn leaves on the path before me....

You and I traveled for a long time along the same dirt road, some areas were rougher than others, but we traveled it together. Throughout our walk, it felt like many occasions I was carrying you. Especially near the end of our time, when your body was frail from disease, and your cough became louder as you tried to breathe. All that could be heard was your struggle to just live, the sound beating loudly in my ears. To some our path was to heavy a burden, one to forego, but not for us, for love and hope gave us strength to continue our walk, until the end. 27 years we walked together, then God gave you an exit towards a more restful path. Your suffering in this world had been long enough and it was time for you to move on, without me. For your journey was completed here and mine was nowhere near finished. You said to me before you parted, that my life would be better now, I would no longer have to carry you, or worry about you, and then you slipped away along that gilded path. Leaving me, alone to stumble for awhile. Left to take in the surroundings along my own road. See the grass go from green to brown and back again. See seasons change, some harsher than the years before, but see them I did and will.

This morning I woke up thinking about Bob. About his good heart, the one that he tried to please others with. The one he desperately tried to please me with. I spent so much of my time thinking about all the things he did wrong. The lies, the stealing, the drugs, the alcohol, the never keeping a job, so much so that I missed the simple, loving things. Yes he couldn't help himself, lies were a way for him to pave his road of good intentions. He wanted to be so much more than he allowed or could even believe in. His demons controlled him, and then ultimately his disease did too. I didn't appreciate how he showed his love and or his need to try and please me. Many times over he tried, and many times I failed to say thank you or give in return. He was the keeper of the house. He cleaned this home, kept the cob webs away. He tended the yard, mowed, edged and kept the weeds at bay. He kept the clutter hidden, and did not allow it to overwhelm our home. He made the dinners and fed the kids, did the laundry and kept us in clean clothes. He watched over us at night, sometimes not sleeping and just watching the on goings of the neighborhood. He drove the kids to their functions, to their friends, took me to work from time to time, and always tended to Connors every need. He made my lunches, left me love notes to try and make me smile. He'd be the voice that would lead me safely home every night and wait for me to pull into the drive and take what ever bit of badness from my day into him. He made love to me, for me, was always about me for as long as I can remember, and it hurt him near the end of his life not to be able to give where once he was the master at making me smile. Now today I reflect on his need to please me the only way he could, by giving of himself. I only looked for the material offerings, something I had learned from my parents. Something I am so sorry that I did learn, and trying so hard to unlearn now, a little to late, I know. I fully know I let my anger, my walls, my self absorbing ways, ultimately cause him pain. I suppose my punishment to him, justly, maybe, but one shouldn't be so unloving. I can't change the past, can't tell him now how sorry I am that I didn't love him more, or tell him more, or show him more through hugs, kisses, and kind words. I find myself wondering if I will ever get the chance to love again, to find someone that will equally give, and allow me to give in return. I don't know if that kind of man exists for me. Lately all I find are takers, and the negative side of me thinks this is an acceptable punishment for the years I selfishly took Bob for granted. Selfish, yes I was. I can hear him now, when he'd say "It's not always about you, Cin", how that phrase rings true. I only focused on me, on my pain, my lot. How much I was doing for the good of my family. Me, me, me... I was so unhappy that I wouldn't even try to let him make me happy, feel loved, feel really at all anything good. My need to try and control, ultimately failed to bring any control, just chaos and loss. When will I learn to just live, lay back and let life happen? When will I stop overthinking and trying to force things in alignment? I don't know.... All I do know is that I will walk on, down this path I started along time ago. I know I will stumble, maybe fall, but I will always get back up, well as long a the good Lord lets me. I know also that I will always think of Bob this time of year, for this is when I lost him, and myself for awhile. This week I was tested, and I stumbled, I gave into my weakness and let doubt of my abilities side line me, but not finish me. This too made me think of Bob, for he stumbled, picked him self up, because of love for his family, until we wouldn't help him anymore, we failed him, through failing to love him to forgive him in the end, when he was truly wanting it...... I also have met someone, well almost. He's not here in San Antonio, not yet, but will be in a few weeks. I think his asking of me to think about someone else pleasing me, allowing a loss of control, even if just purely physical, has me asking myself can I? I couldn't let Bob know he fully pleased me, though he did unlike anyone, before or after him. I don't want to not let anyone know how I feel in the moment and after the moment has passed, or allow myself to miss out on feelings of joy, happiness and yes intense pleasure. I truly don't know if I can give up self control and allow someone else the reign over me, to give into them. We will have to wait and see. If this man is as good as his heart seems to be, I ask myself, am I worthy of him? I would hope that I am, and that I don't destroy myself trying to stay in control and closed off. That I can be more open and trusting, giving, sharing, caring, and hell just loving outside the box and the walls I have created. So today, as I remember Bob, reflect on the past, and hope for the future, I am trying to enjoy this season of my life that's just starting.... Fall is in the air, the time is coming that the leaves will be turning bright beautiful orange, yellow, and red. These leaves of Autumn will blanket the side of the road I travel, and I will step with confidence through them, and hope to feel alive and brilliant, and on fire, like the colors that surround me on this path, like the fire that burns within me, that guide me and allow me to travel alone for awhile longer. 

short chapter of John Gideon

As I sat across from him in this dive bar that he liked to crawl to frequently, he seemed a bit nervous. He hadn't expected for me to walk in. Kept watching the door, waiting for someone, I can only assume. No bother to me, I was here just for that. He asked what I was doing there, said I was in the neighborhood. He didn't buy it, he knew I was far out of any neighborhood I frequented. So I took a deep breath in, slowly exhaled, and told him, "I am here looking for you, we need to talk". You know the start of many, shit moments. When you lay everything right there on the table. Truths hurt when not expected. You see, him and I had been playing cat and mouse games for awhile. He would draw me in then push me away. A man that liked to have his cake and eat it too. The problem was I don't like sharing, especially if my body is involved. To many damn things a person can catch when fucking someone that is seeing others. He always says "I'm not seeing anyone, I mean you and I aren't really seeing each other either". Just fuck buddies. Yeah, good line, good times. Maybe I should of refrained from starting this path of intimacy with him, should of known. But man, when I met him sparks flew. Damn, he was everything I thought I wanted in a man. He was smart, college and life educated, had a great sense of humor, wicked good looks, smile to knock the panties right off of you, head full of black wavy hair, and man those eyes, steel blue, that seemed to just cut right through you. John Gideon, was the epitome of perfect, in my warped mind. 56 years old, Retired military, now working on his second career, EMT with the county. Saving lives, always, this warrior I seemingly fell for. He was divorced within the last 2 years, had 2 kids, one boy, one girl, both in college. Living at home, well divided home. Part time with his ex and most times with him. Made for difficult meetings. He had that bad boy air about him, tattoo's, motorcycle rider, fit and firm, but had a gentle side, good with kids, not afraid to cry, or at least said he did. Friend to everyone, would give the shirt off his back if a brother needed it. His downside was that he caused the failure of his 30 year marriage. Cheated way to many times, and she finally had enough of living a lie, he said she told him that she really didn't love him and hadn't for many years. He said he felt aimless and a bit shell shocked, and said that's what drove him to seek all those women. I thought I could overlook that, I mean, they grew apart, she couldn't or wouldn't meet his needs, and he had some needs. Very sexual being, common ground for us, another problem. It's funny what we will tell ourselves to make the situation seem right. He kept saying that he didn't want his kids to know that he was seeing anyone yet, he had hurt them enough and was trying to work on mending that broken fence as best as he could. Secret meetings, secret life with women. The problem was that he continued to see the woman that he had the affair with. Rachel, oh beautiful blonde Rachel. Little petite woman, sharp nose, hazel eyes, and bit busty. Then again nothing as busty as me, which was his draw point, that and my eyes, mine are Kelly green, I too was blonde, long blonde hair, but far from petite. Oh the things we grab onto and try to believe. The truth is I did not envy her, this woman that continued to occupy his time, his life, his fucked up life, because karma in my opinion will fix that in the end. However it did sting a bit knowing that she did hold him more and see him more than I ever would. When I first found out about her, before we ever had our first tryst, I was hurt, dumbly, I thought I could let him go, I was the better woman, I do not take what is not mine. Unlike her, I would not or could not do that to another woman. He of course said he was sorry he mislead me, hurt me, blah, blah, blah. He excused all of this with saying "It's just lonely convenience, she lives near me", You live to far away, and can't easily have me over to your place because of your children", then he'd always end it with "She's not my future". So I bought it, initially. Dove right into his bed, getting tangled in sheets and his web of deceit. I mean after all the sex was hot, and after being widowed now for 4 years, and being without for longer, it was hard to say no too. The thing that started me thinking different about him and I, was that I chased him, I called him, I texted, initiated everything. He did not. I sold myself out, I cheapened myself, all for a  few moments of pure pleasure. I don't truly regret it, just wanted to be more I suppose. When he was pushing me away, he'd say "I value your friendship, I need your friendship right now, I'm to fucked up and need to work on me, and with my life being such a wreck I can't give you more". I would say "Of course, I understand", after all I am such a giver, a healer, full of shit. Anyway little gnawing feeling would clutter my mind sometimes. So much so that I found myself being the detective, looking at his friend pics on social media, and just connected the dots. The lies became less hidden and way more transparent. His recent story of taking a trip with college buddies to Daytona, turned out to be, Rachel beach get away. The boat that he recently bought, amazingly showed up in her posted pics. You see, gut instinct always gets you the answer. So here we where, him and I at a cross road, in this pub, the pub and he reeking of stale beer and cigarettes. Which actually helped me to overcome wanting to just run. So how's Rachel, I started, he quickly countered with "Not again, you know it's very complicated, between her and I". "I told you that, what gives, why are you bringing her up"? Felt a bit nauseated, actually, but I calmly said to him "Because you put me at risk with your behavior, your lies, and well I am worth more than what those risks could bring me". Blank stare back, "what lies"?. Great here he goes, deny, Mr professional smooth talker. "Let's see, the beach, the boat, the I have to be home with my kids for dad responsibility,  yet all the while you are with her". Reality with those words cut my heart, I thought I could handle this. For a minute I almost regretted coming here, for confronting him, almost thought of begging for him to ignore me, like I'd done before. Almost let the thought of not having him, even briefly in my life, scare me, for a moment. Then I saw the annoyed, fuck me, look in his eyes. Narcissistic bastard that I knew he truly was, started to show through. "I told you I couldn't give you more, you remember? You chase me, you offer you to me". Great, make me the one this is really about in his game. I saw red, but knew if I lost it, I'd lose it in many ways. I was mentally prepared to lose him, physically it would be harder, hurt more. That physical connection, aching need, he leaves me with, that I would have to overcome. His being indifferent was stoking that anger in myself, for letting myself succumb to him initially, but strengthened my ability to end it. I sat there for minute, then waved to the waitress. He looked at me as I did, sighed, knew then, I wasn't done yet, and she may walk in. As the waitress walked over, he started to get up, said he said "going to the head", I placed my hand down on the table, a bit touching his phone that was flipped face side down, because I knew he would take it with him. He waited til I moved my hand. So as I ordered a whiskey on the rocks, he walked away. No matter, I didn't really need to meet her, to confront her, because after all, maybe she deserved him more than I did. She deserved this dishonest cheating male, for I don't. So as I waited for his return and for my last drink with him, I let it all go with one slow exhale, blew it all out. My drink and he arrived at the same time. I handed the waitress the money for drink, told her to keep the change, and sipped that first cool taste, then allowed the heat of the whiskey to fill me. I never took my eyes off of his, as always. He sat back down, I placed my glass down on the napkin, and smiled. I said, "You know you did tell me all that, I don't need reminding, you also told me that I deserved so much more, that I was more worthy of something better", still staring, "So, I at first thought I didn't, because I thought you were all I really wanted. Silly me, until you made me feel less, actually, made me feel used. This is when I realized that you were not worthy of me, you are worthy of a lesser woman". He was getting a bit more irritated with me, was about to cut me off when I said "No worries, love, it's all good. You can continue to have your cake, but you will no longer have my icing to enjoy". I finished my drink, before the ice melted, as usual, and he said to me fairly briskly "You are always so damn dramatic, so irritating really with all this, I warned you I was fucked up, now you are throwing it back at me, sorry hun, not buying it, I really don't care, you were a fuck when I needed it. No more, no less". I knew this was how he'd react, so I simply replied "and you needed it, as did I", flinched, just a little, but he flinched. "The difference is you came, you were always left spent, I was always unspent and left wanting something more". With that I drained the last of the whiskey from the glass, heard him exhale "Bitch". I smiled and as I got up, I answered, "Yes, but this Bitch is better than the one you bed regularly, and this Bitch doesn't need you, oh and you were right, your smaller than average cock, was really never enough"...This he could not deny, for he always asked, "Am I enough, I wish I was bigger to fill you with", always said this, and I would always answer he was, always tried to convince my self he was, almost was. "Fuck you" he said as I began to walk away, I smiled but didn't respond, I was done, and this time I knew I was. I turned and walked away, back out into the bright sunlight, back into the world for cheaters, losers, liar's and well lonely hearts. At least mine was for the moment.

Hiding in plain site, will he find me?

I want to run, I want to forget I yern for you, I want to let you go, I want to not keep trying, I want to remove my heart and return to being the frozen one. I don't want to care this deeply for something that may be, may not be, is unknown. I don't want to need you, don't want this ache you left deep within me. I don't like the thoughts of not trusting these feelings for you, because of the fear that I am going to be knifed in the heart and left as a hollow shell, dry husk just resembling something that once was me. I don't like this fear of failing you by not finding you, helping you, pleasing you, so I feel as if I need to turn and hide away from this burning flame within me that the thought of  you has stoked to life.

Yes, yes, yes, this is what I want to do, or think I do. It's so much easier not going on with looking for another soul to give my heart too. So much easier to stay shielded and protected. Yes, easier, but not what I want or what I need. I want to give into my dark passion while sharing my light as well. I want to share my whole self, body, heart, and soul with my chosen one. My chosen one, yes, the one I want. I don't want to settle for just another person to fill a void. I want the man I have dreamed of my whole life. Why shouldn't I hold out for him, fight for him, chase him? I want the one that matches me step for step. I need the challenge, not the easy target. I need someone that peaks my interest and desires, and can fill them and not run from them. I need the man that can handle all sides of me. I am a good girl for all to see, but the other half of me is a lot darker. I'm not just vanilla, I'm a whole mix of spices. Passion for life, best of both worlds. Such a high opinion of my self...Actually, yes, took me all my life to finally come to terms with who I am, and learn to love and welcome all sides of me. I can tolerate looking in the mirror now without thinking that I am at fault for the world or my families problems. I can hug myself and feel it inward not just a way to keep warm when feeling cold. I started this journey not to long ago, just trying to become better, more whole. The fact that I have become painfully aware of my need for a life partner, that is an extension of myself, is also a surprise to me. For a very long time I have so said "I need no other, just my kids". Foolish thought, yes I do need my children, but they don't complete all of me, just the mother side. I have been floundering to be whole. It goes well beyond just loving one's self. It's a blessing to have the ability to give of one's self fully to another. Support of another's well being, giving love, compassion, encouragement, pleasure, and protection, is an awesome thing to be able to do. To believe in someone else, to help drive them to meet the greatness they were born to reach. To enhance their life while enriching your own self, that's living. I want that, I want to do that. After all, I am a giver, always have been. I know I need to be more of a taker, be the one that takes his soul, to hold it close and keep it safe. See, still giving, even when trying to think of taking someone as mine. No matter this want this desire, I still need to find that one, or do I? If I close my eyes, I see him, in my mind I hold him, in my heart I fully love him, it's just in life that he's not available. I taste him, feel him, cherish him, I know him, yet he's still out of reach. My addiction, my simple obsession, my passions flame keeper, I know him, yet he's far from my touch. All in good time friends and family say, all in good and God's time. Will lightening strike twice, well, the fact that lightening didn't strike me the first time, does it change things? The question should be will lightening ever strike? Does it really need too? Is not the fire that drives me enough to find what and who I am searching for? What am I looking for, hmmmm. Good question. I have said before a warrior, someone that has survived this world, scarred, wounded, still strong, one that longs for life, love, completeness in self. Someone who's able to shield me against them, help protect me from the world and yes from myself. .... Must have a mind that is vastly knowledgeable, can carry on deep conversations, and yet light hearted when needed.  Broad chest, large hands, height, head full of hair, eyes that burn into me and can stare me down, blue in color would just be a plus. Not many men can stare me down when I lock eyes, can only really think of one, just one. I need that connection, chemistry if you will, I need that electric even magical personal connection. I refuse to ignore that important part. Again I shall refuse to settle, I have done that to many times in my life. So, shall I remain alone? Possible, but with that I will not be letting my heart and soul down again. I am okay with that, if that is what God wants. I can wait a life time and if I have to I'll wait even into the next one I am born into, if that is the way it is to be. I am not hiding, I am here, out front, shining for the world to see, but will he? Will he find me, hell will he allow himself to want me, will he allow me to just be me, nurture above all I suppose, will he take the help I offer when he needs it, that's the thing about looking and wanting a strong warrior type partner, they have a tendency to refuse to show any weakness and allow help, can I over come that? I don't know, may be my undoing, the not being able to help. See there's a lot still that I need to learn about myself, so maybe it is a good thing that he is still out of my reach. Even so, I feel him, and know he's there, somewhere, maybe he's hiding in plain site as well, waiting for me when his time is right.......

character flaws and all, make up a beautiful package in truth......

Do you have any dry wall mud I can borrow.......

Today my mind has been full of self reflection, maybe it's because of this pain in my left glute, or just the fact it's been a long week, many ups and downs. Just thinking of the good and bad about my whole being. I have thought today that if allowed to pick at our flaws through out the day, one would always have festering sores with ugly scars to show the world our self dislikes. Badges of our own self hate for the world to see. Some would  have huge scars, others mere scratches. Mine would be in between. I know my flaws, clearly, I have always been able to pick them out. I don't need others to do that for me. My mother and father did that well. If you don't see them, let me point them out to you. First off, I am critical of life, critical of others, be it friend or foe. I expect the worse from them, always steady myself for rejection, being used for what ever purpose that serves the other person's gain, being abandoned, being left behind, being lied too, being easily forgotten and replaced without a thought. I stand there like the wall I have built around my psyche, hard and uninviting. Trying hard to show, I don't need others, I am able to do this task of living on my own. May be a lonely stance, but that unsure side of my being feels protected fiercely with this shield. Wrong or right it doesn't matter, it's my flaw to see and deal with. I see the whole picture, and I'm painfully honest. Yep, call a spade a spade. Hateful, spiteful words without thought can easily spill out. Knowing that you can't take them back once said, yep, blows to others, without a punch thrown, I know, sometimes they are earned, but not always necessary. They seem to be a comfortable partner to another flaw that is a huge part of me, for I have a quick hot temper, that I sometimes can't control who I lash out at. Unfortunately I have let it out on innocents, like my kids. Something I always swore I would not do, since I had it dished out to me on a daily basis. The difference is I did not throw physical punches, but we know that the word sometimes hurts longer. I am working on this everyday, trying to give the more I love you's instead of negatives. It is a battle though, again I am aware of, no need to point it out. Shall we continue... I have a tendency to hurt myself, throw that punch into the wall. Yeah my knuckles to my right hand have bled more than they needed to. Surprised I don't have a boxers hand. I am physical, very violent in nature, however I refuse to lash that physical strike on any person. I'll take the pain back into myself instead of the object of my anger flair. You know like the cutter, who feels release of pain, when they bleed, I feel the release of anger, when sharpness of pain hits. Strange what we as humans take on as our norm. Self hate, disgust with the mirror, for we see the truth under the image. Ego, well that's not my flaw. Maybe mine is lack of, working on that. I know that I am one hell of a person, can take a lot on these shoulders. However, I wouldn't wish me on anyone. Shattered, battered, bent, far from broken, but far from being whole. I can't smooth out the wrinkles in the shirt of life for anyone. Don't own an iron. Even though I do have a lot of critical sides, I also know that with people I do love and care for, I am painfully loyal, another flaw. Because I will give them everything they need, and then I will do without. I will always try too soothe their pain, while just letting mine go untended. Again the idea of pain as a constant reminder I am here. The pain in my heart of not feeling lovable or that I deserve it. The pain of giving love and not knowing if it really matters that I do. The pain of not being enough, even though I should be. The pain of constantly starting over, trying to make the best of a bad situation. The pain of choosing what appears to be the wrong path to others, but the only path that I feel comfortable to be on. The pain of loss of my innocence to young and early, no fault of mine. The pain of not allowing one's self to give in. The pain of unfelt total pleasure, it's not allowed, the ability to give in that fully, for then I would have truly let someone in if I did, and we will not let that happen. That goes along with my flaw of the pain of giving and not receiving... Pain, what an old dear friend that word has become.

Recently a friend said "Someday, you will take a compliment, for what it is" Hmmmm, compliments, yeah, ummm, I don't handle those well. Those little could be truth's of the moment, what others might see, the little niceties, little foreign beings... Yeah, they don't make me comfortable actually. Sometimes they are words that feel like little ants crawling on my skin. I was not raised hearing such things, so forgive me if I make a snide comment back to "you look great", yeah I know a thank you should be all I say. To hear, "you know you're beautiful" doesn't make it a truth. Maybe in that person's mind it is, but not in mine. I suppose the saying that one may hear they are beautiful, but will only believe it when they hear from the one that they love, might work. Problem, I don't ever believe it, maybe I haven't truly met the one I could love, hmmmmm..... No it's more accepting to hear in the old comments of things like, you will not succeed in life, you will be a failure, you are painful to look at, you are a source of constant hurtful reminder of all the wrong in my life, the you are too fat, you are too lazy, you are not good enough. Yep, those comments I have tendency to believe.. Those feel like the compliments that my nature is drawn too... flaws in the surface of my life....I have been for first time in my 52 years working towards being comfortable with me. I am working on knowing what my corrective flaws are and trying to accept them. I am always going to work on trying to fully love me for the awesome creature I am, and I know I will get there. This is an outlet for me to just put into words what is not needing to fester anymore. I am not striving to pick at my flaws, this allows them to be out there for world to see, and to maybe begin to heal without the deep scarring that they could have. I will work on trying to believe I deserve the world in brighter more positive mode, that beauty is truly mine to have and to give love and receive.... I may never fully smooth out my surface, but hey cracks in the wall give it character, and Lord knows I have plenty of character for the world to see and well maybe enjoy.........

Road thus far

Choose the road less traveled, for it offers better scenery........

My road through life has been a bit rough thus far, very few moments of smooth pavement. Potholes, cracks, and steep inclines are more the norm. Thank God he made me with strong legs and heart to walk it. I am not complaining, for I know I am who I am because of the trials I have had to pass to continue surviving. I will sometimes falter and yell out "when will things start to go right for me". When will love stay, when will I make finances last, when will my life stay in a happy frame instead of constant turmoil? Then I breathe in and out, and think, it has. I was loved by a man with all he could give for 27 years, longer than many. I have healthy children, who are human with their own troubles and faults, and love me for being just their mom. I have a job that I love to do, may hate the low pay, but I love what I do. As for my daily chaos, well I think, if the waters were still I'd drown from boredom, I am alive and fierce because of it. I am thankful for my health, my ability to change myself for the better. Many can't, but I can. Hard work I am not afraid of. Failing, well I have many times, but I never lay down or will I ever quit trying. It's not in me. Like Dirk sings, I hold on.. Always have been one that never lets go. I know there have been many times I should have. Should of stopped believing and released many people and issues to the wind. However I don't, for nothing has been an anchor to drag me down, no never. I know I am hard on people I don't trust, have always had an eye for true human character. I see people for who they are, their lack of, or their future potential. So I see the possibilities, when most see a  hopeless being, I see a person, given the chance will shine and be the warrior that they always should of been. In some, I see and feel only contempt, for their soul and aura is dark, no matter how much they protest they are the opposite. It's a gift, I fully embrace. I am not here to be everyone's friend, or lover. I just know I am here, God's plan, not mine. So this pavement, broken and uneven as it is, well its a great path to who I am supposed to be. I am just not there yet. The past year as I have dealt with the scare of breast cancer, has been a huge learning curve for me. It's very eye opening, just having your mortality come in to full view. Thanking God, that I am currently breast cancer free, and will stay vigilant to remain that way. Continue to change my behaviors to better my odds. I have continued to deal with the grief over the loss of my life's balance, Bob. He will always be in my heart, and I will always miss him, but finally this year I am learning to let him go. Trying to let him rest in peace, finally. For the longest time, I have laid blame to my sorrows at his feet. Now granted he helped, but he was not fully responsible. My holding on, ME, I was responsible. I let him lie, I let him steal, I let him deceive the family, all in the thought of this is how it's supposed to be. One stays for better or worse, richer or poorer, through sickness and in health, til death do us part. I mean after all wasn't that the vow I took in front of God and my family? Hind sight 20/20. We create our own happiness, we put our emotions into whomever or whatever we feel is what we need. I held on to my sorrows like a life line. I was more afraid of failing as a wife, friend and lover than I was of failing at being happy and complete. I mean after all my own parent's stay married through HELL, so why shouldn't I? Now they live apart, married, but apart. My mom is happier in her personal life. Sure, she misses her kids and grand-kids, but she doesn't miss my fathers hatefulness, or my youngest brothers carbon copy attitude. I suppose if Bob had lived, I would continued to wear blinders and continued to see who he could be, if he believed in himself, like I did. Like I said God's plan, not mine. Now what shall I do with the knowledge that my road is going on for a bit longer? I think I shall continue to walk, take in my surroundings on this road, this dirt road. I will continue to regret nothing, carry on as usual. Be me, give me when necessary. Take the days and nights as they come. Enjoy the smiles, the hugs from family and friends. Continue to strive for my own happiness. Live for the moment, and maybe I'll stumble on this road into the path of my future partner, or not. I will hopefully see my children succeed, to have families of their own. Live to witness my youngest show the world how great he is, watch him continue to rise and shine. Yes, hope, I will always have that. I have finally learned and accepted that my life it is what it is. That it is fully reliant on my choices, my path, and nothing more...

Now stand back and try not to choke on the dust I leave in my wake.....

Queen of hearts.....

There once was a broken warrior who attempted to capture the guarded soul of the queen of hearts. He only succeeded in making her build her walls higher. Locking herself away inside her lonely tower for eternity, trusting not one single soul. Always vying to protect her mangled broken heart from years of deceit and trust lost. Love always being empty promises. She cast out the warrior, locked the gates and melted the key... Whispering never more, never more.......

My best friend knows me well, I tell her how I can't keep thinking of you, my wounded warrior. How you consumed my thoughts, mind, body and soul. How it will never be more than what it is now, which is really nothing. I tell her how I need to let you go. She just says, you do what you feel you need too, but she thinks I am running away from what could be. Keeping my heart locked away and keeping the pain at bay. She's right, but it's what I do, self preserve......I swore when Bob died I was never going to love again, or even try. Never desire another human as I used to long too do. It's easier not needing anyone, it's easier being alone. It's easier not having another person touch your body in a way that leaves you open and vulnerable. It's easier to take what is needed from others and walk away, without a word or reason why you don't return the calls or texts. It's easier to shut down and not feel... Easier said until you cross paths with the one your heart made up years ago, thinking it's safe to make up this man that will never exist. God has a funny sense of humor to place these stumbling blocks in your path. He laughs as we trip up in the middle of our already crazy and emotional roads, and on you I fell over, scrapping my knees and palms, causing superficial cuts that will heal without scars. The pain and tears of knowing that I could give you everything is to much for me to bear at times. You are unavailable, wrapped up in your own world. I need more than you can give, I know that. That's why everyday I swear, I'm done. No more chasing you, no more texts of simple hello's, or longing thoughts. Everyday I swear I am done, until you reply and a smile slips over my face and my heart leaps. Usually works to buy you one more day of my trying, until today..... I will not hear from you. You are occupied, I will not send anymore morning sunshine's or goodnight sir's. I will not try anymore. I need to be chased myself, I need to be wanted and needed first. I need to be the only one, not one of many. See God allowed me to meet you, a player, a womanizer, a man that can not be happy with just one woman. Your curse, not mine. My curse is not being able to trust, believe in, or hope for you or anyone for that matter. To many crushed dreams of happiness for it to ever be a reality. To many lies, to many times my gut instinct has been spot on. So even though I know I could of loved you deeply, completely, and that sexually I would of matched you if not over powered you, I will shut this door. Lock it, and try to hide the key. No dances in the dark, no moments to be wrapped up in each other, no simple conversations early in the AM when sleep evades us. No touching, no connecting, no kisses, no moments of intense passion, none. All these were unintended promises, carrots in front of the cart. Empty longings, going nowhere. The reality of the whole situation is that it is all just a mental mind fuck. Nothing more. I can easily turn to another unavailable male for simple mind fucks if I choose, but I don't, to easy. I like challenges, I like to win. With you there is no winning, just losing on my end. So to save my psyche and heart I cut my loses now. I have not lost really anything beyond words and simple pictures, nothing of my personal self. So yes, it's easy to just turn off the phone, concentrate on my day, my life, my progress in the whole scheme of this game called simply existing. Maybe you truly were just a way for God to wake up that part of me that I thought gone, thought dead. Maybe God just tried to make me realize I can feel something, and that maybe someday I can try again. Maybe.... Just not today, and not with you. I've heard to many times that I deserve so much better, yeah, sure. Haven't met better yet, or really Mr. go all the way where my soul needs him to go. Nope, at my age he doesn't exist. No lightening to strike twice for me, no fire to burn brightly for, that's the reality, not you. You can stay a broken warrior, and I will stay a guarded queen of hearts.....

Walls

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall....

Walls...I have worked on raising mine all my life. Each brick placed to block out oncoming attacks from all sides. Bricks to shield me from pain, misery, deceit, bad weather, and anything else that could attempt to come through and weaken me. We are not born with these, and some lucky souls never ever have to raise one single layer. Others, only a small one that can easily be taken down. Mine however is greater than the great wall of China. It is tall, built solid, built with a lot of blood, sweat and tears. Tears to wet the cement of protection. There have been moments in my life that I removed a few bricks, let a few people enter and let them leave. Then I would reseal it, and put more bricks up for bolstering. I let my walls crumble a bit when I met my late husband, trust was not an issue at that time. So those bricks had not even begun to be made or laid. However through the 27 years we were together, my trust was misused. To many lies, to much deceit, to many games. Up they started, higher and higher I built my walls. Bitterness, such a negative, acid carrying feeling, is also part of my wall, became a big part of it's make up. That bitterness, strengthens the wall actually. Don't know if I will ever loose that part. To many wrongs, to many bad decisions, to many let downs, to many wrong paths. My life is the unpaved path, lots of dips, over growth, briers, few flowers, and lots of mud that I have walked through. I do it, because I have too, and refuse to give up, I refuse to lay down and let someone trod over me. I try to let my guard down, a bit, from time to time. All in hopes to maybe take a few bricks out. Sadly, when I do, it's all for naught. I suppose the problem lies in the fact that I have poor choice in the ones I choose to get close too. I lean toward the broken, the battered, the narcissistic males of our species. Far from me the empathetic female that I hear I am. I suppose it's from what I learned was right, what to expect. I don't know how to turn to a strong, all together person. I mean after all, that's what I have to be. My walls, I do truly want them to fall, I do truly want to not be afraid of pain from love. I truly want to trust with all my heart, I just can't. I can fake it with the best. I do that with ease, ahhhh, another part of my wall of protection. Pretend to be all about what is going on with that potential male, seeking to help ease his pain. All in all, I'm watching his every move, picking apart his every word. Waiting for the shoe to drop, for the lie to be told, the pain to be given. For I have learned that to truly let them in only weakens my soul. I recently stopped pretending and really did care and try to ease someone's pain. My only thought was how to please them. I was trying to take bricks down to do this. Back of mind my voices kept whispering, be careful, be watchful, you are not paying attention. I tried to ignore them, as I continued on my path of trying to let him in. However they got louder, started yelling... Look, inspect, you silly girl, to finally I did, and his wall of deceit showed through. His playing ways were now obvious. So out came my cement and those old mistrust bricks were replaced. I suppose the point, the lesson to learn for me from this, is still to follow my instinct, my gut. Next time be more careful who I think about letting in. For I do hope there is a next time, right now, I don't think so, matter of fact I'm on my way out to by more cement, I still have a lot of new bricks to place.